endlessflask | [ duplicity inbox ]

[ Now that Quentin is sitting there, saying Eliot can ask him whatever he wants, Eliot suddenly doesn't want to. Well. He wants to, but this has never been his strong point, and, sure, he's trying to be better but it takes time. You can't just become a new person over night, right? And he'd been making strides. He'd told Quentin what had happened back in the throne room. He'd told Quentin that he fucked up and that he loves him and that had taken a lot for him to say.

But yesterday feels like it put Eliot three steps back.

He watches another puff of smoke curl before fading away, then he turns his head to look at Quentin.

Eliot has a lot of things he wants to ask. He just doesn't know how or where to start. ]

Is there - Why didn't you just tell me, about you and Alice, when you got here? When we did that whole thing where I confessed all my feelings to you. Because right now I kind of feel like the butt of a joke, or a placeholder.

I--

[And what's there to say to that? I saw you and I didn't think. It's the truth, but it's... I've missed you for so long and I thought I'd never see you again.

There's a million and one reasons, and Quentin is quiet in the chair, just thinking. Trying to get past the guilt and the bad feelings, trying to get past the you said you'd never choose me and what was I supposed to do? Pine for you forever?.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, looking down at his clenched hands.]

I forgot. I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but I just-- you were here and you finally wanted me and I just. Didn't think about it.

[There's a dry sound when he swallows, exhaling loudly through his nose. Because fuck.]

You're not. You've never been... a placeholder. Or the butt of a joke. Not to me, Eliot.

[ He wonders if it would have turned out like this if Eliot had said sure when Quentin asked him the first time. If they'd have walked away from that quest together, hand in hand, if Alice would have found her way back into Quentin's life like this.

Eliot really has no one to blame but himself. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it, he doesn't think he can ever be happy so he never will be. He doesn't really think he deserves it.

But maybe he can try to fix it. He fixes Quentin with an earnest look, and his face makes a few pained expressions, like he's literally forcing himself to vomit up the words. ]

What's wrong with me? Why don't people - [ God, he doesn't want to talk about this. He feels suddenly like a teenager again, facing down a family and a school and a community that want nothing to do with him. ] - I can't keep being the guy that just sleeps with Alice's boyfriend. She's … She deserves better than me always fucking shit up for her. Just don't bang each other here, okay?

I'm not--

[Quentin starts, head snapping up to look a little lost and helplessly at Eliot. But it's like staring in to the sun, too painful and like he's about to cry if he looks for too long. The guilt reaching it's cold fingers up from inside of him to hook them in to his throat.

It's hard, so hard to even keep breathing, with Eliot looking... lost? Looking like he was hit upside the head with something huge and heartbreaking and. It's all Quentin' fault for always wanting. For still always running and being this person that he fucking hates, even with Eliot right in front of him.

Alive and breathing and so fucking amazing.] - not Alice's boyfriend.

I'm yours.

[Should he touch him? Slide over there and hold Eliot's hand? Indecision twists in Quentin's stomach and-]

I love you, Eliot, there's nothing-- there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. And--and this isn't even about banging. It's-- [Quentin flails his hands a little] I'll love you forever even if we never- bang again, it's not about-- [so, spit it out? What is it about? Quentin huffs, running out of words because-- what do you even say to this?] I just... I love Alice, too and I fell in love with you.

[ Eliot presses the heels of his palms against his eyes. He feels guilty. He’s not sure if he’s the one that should be feeling that way, but he does. He sucks in a breath and decides it’s not something that needs to be decided today. Or tomorrow. And if either Quentin or Alice get too impatient, then that will decide it all anyway.

For now, Eliot slides off the couch. He all but melts off it, really, but he realizes that he and Quentin haven’t been as physical with each other lately. It’s not like Eliot could really manage it, but he’s healing. He’s feeling better. He’d even gotten dressed up for what he thought was going to be a dinner that was nearly normal.

Eliot wants to enjoy Quentin being his boyfriend just a little longer.

He crowds into Quentin’s space on the chair, straddling him with knees on either side. Then, Eliot kisses him, light and brief. ]

Can we just ... Go back to bed and start the day over again?

[It's almost instinct, closing his eyes when Eliot kisses him and Quentin blinks a few times before he finds words, heart lodged in his throat, nestled up close with his guilt.]

Uh, yeah. I mean, yes. I'd like that? It's-- Eliot.

[And this is a lot harder, no pun intended, with Eliot in his lap than with Eliot across the room. When there's distance, because up close, Quentin's heart clenches and his hands find their own way on to Eliot's thighs, thumbs smoothing over the fabric of his pants.

Without Eliot's mouth on his, Quentin lets his head fall forward, resting against Eliot's chest. Moving with every breath he takes.

He doesn't say We didn't, me and Alice. We didn't and we won't, not if it hurts you and he doesn't even say before I died, all I could think about was you because yes, start the day over and Quentin's hands slide up and around until he's hugging Eliot around the middle, face pushed hard in to his chest.

I love you]

Okay, let's go back to bed and... start over.

Okay.

[ Eliot’s glad for those arms around him. He needs the physical reassurance that everything is fine and that they don’t need to figure this out right away. He likes knowing that he still gets to wake up next to Quentin today (sort of).

He climbs off of Quentin and takes his hand to lead him to the bedroom. ]

[It doesn't take much, it never has, when Eliot takes his hand and Quentin gets up to follow. It's not exactly a rush to get back in to bed, because they need to talk. About this, about all of it, about all the things that happened to them and how really fucking horrible it was and Quentin still finds himself staring at Eliot some days, pulse racing-- be you, be you, be you.

It's always so easy to see, though, the tilt of Eliot's head, the slope of his shoulders, the curls at the back of his neck. It's just Quentin and his issues and his --

The bed is still sleep-warm underneath the covers when Quentin peels them back.]

Eliot, I-- I love you, you know that, right?

Yeah. Of course.

[ But he knows that love can mean a lot of things and there’s no definitive guide to it. After all, Eliot loves Margo. Not in the same way as Quentin, but close, and it blurs the line between platonic and romance. So. Sure, Quentin can say he loves him and Eliot believes it, but maybe Quentin just doesn’t love him the same way.

And that’s fine.

Once they’re tucked into bed, Eliot presses himself against Quentin, nosing into his neck. ]

[What Quentin wants to do, is bully Eliot on to his side so Quentin can spoon him. Can wrap himself around him like a second blanket and not think about anything else for while, with his face resting between Eliot's shoulder blades. Just feeling him breathe against him for a little while.

But.

Eliot is still not... he's hurting, in more ways than one probably, but it's the physical pain that stops Quentin from just turning over. That makes him stay quiet and still, with Eliot's mouth in his hair, causing goose bumps to pebble Quentin's arms on every slow exhale.]

... good morning?

[So many things he's never had a chance to say. So many things he wants Eliot to know and this is what comes out of his mouth. Quentin groans.}

Good morning.

[ Eliot smiles one of his “everything is fine” smiles, pressing his lips to the skin under Quentin’s ear. He noses along Quentin’s cheek, with another kiss to the corner of his mouth.

Like it’s just another morning, a normal, average morning. ]

[Do-over, and they're pretending. Play pretend that last night and this morning and the long endless night between, never happened and Quentin licks his dry lips. Catching the edge of Eliot's lips when he does and he turns his head a little.

His body tilting towards Eliot, and he reaches up with one hand to brush his fingers over Eliot's cheek. Over his ear, brushing a few curls behind his ear.

Just a normal morning in Duplicity, like any other.

Quentin smiles, a smile that feels wholly fake and unreal, but the kiss he places on Eliot's mouth isn't.]

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